I can’t breathe! This was my first thought as I woke up that very dark night. It felt like something big had me pinned to the bed and I was paralyzed with fear.
After what seemed like an eternity, I pushed through the fear and sat up on the side of the bed. Memories from what I had been dreaming were flooding my mind. In my dream, I had just watched someone put a gun to my son’s head and pull the trigger. Another nightmare about my 
gay identified son; this was the second horrible dream in just a few weeks. I looked at the clock and pondered calling him to see if he was okay (he lives in another state) but then thought, “It’s the middle of the night, he will think I have totally lost my mind.”
Maybe I was losing my mind. After all, it’s not like I had just found out about his homosexuality. It had been several years and hadn’t I done what most people said to do – ‘just accept it.’
Not long after these dreams, my little dog, Cody, was missing. I had become more attached to this dog than I realized. In the mornings during my quiet time when the tears would flow, Cody would come over and put his little head on my leg to comfort me. We had put posters all over town, had fervently searched for him, prayed for his return and several times a day would go outside and call for him.
After he was gone for two weeks, I stood on our back porch one night and cried out to God, saying, “Lord, I know he is just a dog and I know I can’t continue to search for him or grieve like this, so I pray that he is okay and not in pain.” A few days later, through very ‘strange’ circumstances, we had Cody back. The Lord spoke very clearly to me and said, “Terri, if I care enough to watch over and return your dog, how much more do you think I am watching over your child.”
The nightmares ceased!
It has been eighteen years since I found out about my son’s homosexuality. Sometimes when I share this with other parents who have just discovered their child’s same-sex struggle, I see the look of panic in their eyes. Some have even expressed, “I can’t make it that long!” I testify that yes, you can make it with the help of the Lord. I didn’t start out on this journey emotionally healthy and certainly not very dependent on Him. Within two years of his “coming out,” I went from initially telling my son that he would not be in this lifestyle and live with us to going to gay bars with him and his partners, supporting his lifestyle. Then I went from trying to ‘fix’ him on to laying him down at the feet of Jesus and that I have had to do more than once. When I stopped trying to dull the pain with alcohol, I began to feel every emotion that accompanies this trial. The Lord has never abandoned me there.
In fact, He has given me specific instructions about what I am to do. First, I am to love my son unconditionally. I admit I was offended when the Lord first impressed this on me. “Well, of course, I love him, Lord!” The Lord taught me that I was to tell and show my son that I love him. He needs to know that nothing can ever change that. Sometimes as parents, we equate showing love and affection to our children with condoning their sin.
Second, I was told to not stop praying for him. That one sounded easy enough, but to keep praying the same petition over and over with no change takes perseverance and endurance, both of which He has given me. My prayers have changed though from initially praying, “Father God, please deliver him from homosexuality!” to “Father, I pray my son will love You with all his heart, soul, mind and strength!” I wouldn’t want my son to leave homosexuality but yet still not love Jesus and surrender all to Him.
Third, I am to stand for the truth of what His Word says about homosexuality. This has, at times, put division between me and my son but I have learned to ‘let go and let God.’ When situations arise that I’m not sure how to respond to, I must be led by the Spirit. Sometimes I am to speak; other times I am to remain silent. I have grown desperate for God through this and I tell Him regularly that if He doesn’t change my son’s life, then it won’t happen. He has given me the freedom to still be in good relationship with my son without compromising the truth.
“Now unto him that is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.” Ephesians 3:20-21
Back in the summer of 1995, I was somewhere between the foggy and the clear still trying to figure out where I was supposed to be in all of this. I had hit bottom in the fall of 1994 and had heard the Holy Spirit tell me to ‘get my eyes back on Jesus.’ I was still in the process of doing this and God was patiently wooing my wounded heart when I took a trip to visit my son. I didn’t know anything about ‘gay churches’ or specific gay areas of town but this trip provided both of these experiences. Little did I know that God would change my life and my whole perspective on ‘gays’ that weekend. I was ‘hanging out’ with my son and some of his friends (who up to this time I basically just tolerated to be near my son). We were going in and out of shops, restaurants and bars and suddenly, it was as if a veil lifted off and I could see deep into the depths of the souls around me. It was so painful that I began to cry. My son asked, “Mom, what’s wrong?” I couldn’t put it into words; I had never experienced anything like it. Later that year, when I heard the call to post-gay ministry, I realized then what had happened. God had expanded my hearts cry to go beyond my son to all who struggle with sexual brokenness. He gave me a wonderful gift as He shared what He sees and feels toward them. I have never been the same!
For the next three years, God worked tremendous healing in my life. He knew I would need it before I could minister to others; especially before I was able to take a look at how some of my mistakes had contributed to my son’s same-sex attraction development. When I began to educate myself on the roots and causes of homosexuality and began to see how our family structure was conducive to my son’s weakness, there was tremendous grief and regret. What does a parent do when they realize that, although not purposely, they have contributed to their child’s pain? I thank God that I was far enough into my journey with Him to be able to run to Him with it. I had learned by this time how trustworthy He is and honestly, there was no where else to go. I couldn’t fix this, my husband couldn’t fix this – no one but Jesus. I needed Him to speak truth into me. I needed Him to sort out the madness. He helped me ‘own’ the mistakes I had made, repent, receive His forgiveness and realize that I did not make my son ‘gay.’ There were many factors that contributed, including his own choices, but praise God they are all redeemable!
God has poured out His mercy, grace and forgiveness on me and has radically changed my life. He has given me the weapons of faith and prayer for this spiritual war and lets me serve in His ministry. What more honored place could I be right now as I wait expectantly for God to move. Those who are walking in freedom from homosexuality are some of the happiest people I know and how they bless this moms heart! They know where they have been (Egypt) and they know where they are going (Promised Land) and the ‘joy of the Lord is their strength.’
I love my son so much and now I love his friends too! I am able now to support the good things in his life while at the same time not supporting his homosexuality. I am proud of him for enduring some very painful things and yet, still faces life with courage, determination, a wonderful sense of humor and a tender heart. I knew his heart was sensitive to God early in life. At the age of three, he stood before the church and sang, “He’s the lily of the valley, the bright and morning star, He’s the fairest of ten thousand to my soul.”
So today I am “confident of this, that He who began a good work in ‘him’ will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”
Not The End!
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Terri Brown is currently the Exodus Director of Membership. She has served in Exodus Ministry since 1998 in several positions.
She and her husband, John have 2 sons and reside in Louisiana. She is actively involved in the Southern Baptist Convention’s efforts to promote ministry to those affected by homosexuality.
You can contact Terri at tbrown.
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