by Gloria Zwinggi
When I first learned of my son’s involvement in homosexuality, I cringed in disbelief, fear, guilt and shame. Stunned, I retreated from the world in deep confusion and great sorrow. Who could I tell? Who could possibly understand? My son, my only living child! Who understood the overwhelming and excruciating pain caused by my terror for his life? There were days and weeks when the world went on without me being aware of everyday events. Once in a while, I would become half-aware of conversations and circumstances around me. I wanted to scream, “Who cares? Can’t you see how trivial this is to me? Can’t you feel my pain? Help me–or get out of my sight!” Wandering in the Wilderness
At that time, I was not familiar with Exodus International. As a result, I wandered in the wilderness alone, pleading with God for answers.
“How could this happen?” I asked Him over and over again.
“Show me how to fix it.” Isn’t that what mothers were supposed to do–fix their children’s problems?
As the months passed, something happened inside. Coming face to face with my own total helplessness brought me closer to Jesus Christ. I sought the comfort of His arms in my grief.
Did I progress through this valley of tears graciously? Not on your life! There were times when I would close myself up in the house and scream. Sometimes on weekends, I locked the doors, lay in bed, and cried for hours. I went through grief, anger, sadness, irrationality and hysteria. You name it, I’ve been there.
Early Struggles
I raised my son as a single mother. Struggling to make ends meet meant little time, money or energy for great insights or contemplation of what I was doing right or wrong. There were tough times–but there were also many good times. I considered the two of us a family. My son’s father, although living in the same town, never gave him any love or attention. Several times I begged him to recognize our son–to no avail.
“Everything Will Be Fine!”
When my son was about 12, he began to withdraw, sharing less and less with me. I thought this was part of his “growing up.” I stood back, not realizing how much he wanted a father. There were no significant males in my son’s life but I remember telling myself, He is a good child, very intelligent and loving. He will make it; he’ll be all right!
Someone told me that, if I loved him, everything would be fine. That was easy; I have always deeply loved my son. But I didn’t realize at that time how needy he was for affirmation from other men.
Escaping and Coping
After the discovery of my son’s homosexuality, I escaped into work. Since I couldn’t relax or sleep, I worked 10-12 hours a day and many weekends. My employers were so pleased, and I advanced in my position. It is unbelievable to me that a person with a tenth-grade education could climb so many personal and professional mountains while experincing so many adverse circumstances. My Father in heaven worked for my good, as He always does for those who love Him (see Romans 8:28).
I also escaped by driving for hours. Sometimes I would find myself hundreds of miles from home. Reading a road map was never one of my gifts, so I would have to enlist the help of gas station attendants to get home. Even now, I can stop at one of these familiar gas stations and see an attendant whom I recognize. Immediately he’ll point in a certain direction and say with a laugh, “Home is that way, Gloria!” I look back now with laughter at some of my antics, but at the time the situation was far from funny.
Immense Grief
I found that most people did not understand my immense grief. But I did not really understand what was happening, either. I had carried this child in my body and would always carry him in my heart. How could I expect others to deal with this situation?
Many years have passed since this devastation came into my life. Through the years, our Lord has been gentle, kind and loving in revealing to me some circumstances that set my son up to struggle with homosexuality (for example, my divorce and the subsequent lack of male role modeling).
God’s Perfect Timing
But God’s timing has been perfect, revealing only the emotional load that I am able to carry. He prepares me for each new revelation and provides the strength and courage to carry each one. I have asked His forgiveness and my son’s for things that happened which could have helped “set him up” to make this choice. God has comforted me when I have beat myself up because of my past failings.
I’ve also come to realize that I may never have the answer to the many questions that can still arise. God has assured me that, whatever the circumstances (perceived or real) that led my son to take this path, he can still experience real and genuine change. I rejoice in the words that the angel gave to Mary when announcing the impending coming of our Savior: “For nothing will be impossible with God” (Luke 1:37).
Good Will Come
I also choose to believe that good will come from this situation–not just for me, but also for my son. I refuse to relinquish him to Satan. I pray daily for him and others caught in the trap of homosexuality. Through God’s grace, I have made the decision to love, not hate. To stand, not to give up. To help others who face the same pain that I have faced.
Through the years, I have learned that homosexuality is a complex issue; my husband says that all kids are vulnerable at certain ages or stages of their lives. As parents, we need great compassion and understanding so that, when our loved ones return, we can help–rather than hinder–their recovery. We must pray for wisdom and be willing to acknowledge our errors, if given the opportunity.
While You Wait
If your loved one is involved in homosexuality, there is so much that you can do while you are waiting. God showed me that I don’t have to speak to crowds at public events; I can talk to one person and make a difference.
Each day I pray that the Holy Spirit will place me in a setting where I can quietly speak out with love and knowledge. Jesus did much of His ministry to one person at a time, and I love to do the same thing.
One of the most hurtful things brought about by my son’s pursuit of homosexuality is that I will never have grandchildren. But the Lord has even worked a miracle in that regard. Eight years ago, I remarried. My husband has six children and 13 grandchildren. Five of them live nearby to be loved by their “step-granny.” Their birth grandmothers do not live in our area and I truly feel that their parents are glad for me to fill that role. When I think how wonderful these children are, my eyes overflow with tears and my heart is warmed.
Experiencing God’s Grace
God gave me back life when I despaired of everything. Each day, I give my life back to Him, to be used for His power and glory. He has not let me lose hope. He has given me a sense of humor and a warm heart; He has also given me patience (my son has been living in homosexuality now for 15 years).
I have a reason to live again. I can teach others what God has taught me through this difficult set of circumstances. Meanwhile, I watch, wait and pray for my prodigal to return.
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