I was 14 and sat alone in my grandparents’ house with a Bible in my lap. Since my father was an Episcopal minister and I had been raised in a Christian home, I was familiar with many Bible stories. But that day I desperately needed to know what God had to say about homosexuality. After reading, it was clear from His Word that God considered homosexuality a sin (see Romans 1:26, Leviticus 18:22). This discovery made me more confused than ever.
Not long before, I’d had a dream that I was involved in homosexual behavior. I woke up scared and confused. After that, I recognized a growing desire to be physically close to my male peers. I didn’t know where these desires were coming from, but I knew that I didn’t want them. And I also knew I had to keep this part of me a secret. I prayed earnestly for God to take away the desires but unfortunately, they didn’t disappear. “Why isn’t He answering my prayers?” I questioned. I wondered if God really even cared.
High school only brought further confusion. Unsure of my identity, I sought out guys with whom I could be emotionally close, all the while wishing for a physical connection as well. One friend and I engaged in some sexual experimentation, and the experience satisfied some curiosity created by my fantasy life. I continued to pray about my struggles, but God still did not take away my same-sex desires.
As a senior, I finally gathered up enough nerve to reach out for help. I found the number for a teen counseling help line. After I nervously rattled off my story to the worker, she coldly replied, “The guy who deals with the gays will be in on Friday.”
I threw the phone down in frustration and climbed on my red Honda Elite scooter. Speeding through the side streets of Southeast Portland, I felt angry and hopeless; I even thought about killing myself by slamming into a parked car. But God stopped me from acting on that thought and calmed my heart.
By the fall of 1990, I had a “girlfriend” who went to my parents’ church. We started to date and I pretended to be interested in her, but the strain of my conflicted feelings was beginning to be apparent to those who knew me.
In a frightening conversation, I confided my homosexual struggle to her. Surprisingly, she had hopeful words for me. She tracked down the phone number of the Portland Fellowship (PF), a local Exodus ministry. I nervously made the phone call that would soon change my life.
Phil Hobizal, PF director, answered the phone. After listening to my struggles, he encouraged me that he could help. Change was possible, Phil told me, and we arranged to meet the following week. His words were the best news I had ever heard!
A few days later, while still riding on a wave of excitement, I approached my mom with the intimidating words, “There’s something I need to tell you. I struggle with homosexual tendencies–” She stopped me and said, “Wait, let me get your father. He needs to hear this, too.”
I tried to stop her, thinking I couldn’t talk to my dad about my secret. I had always felt distant from him. While I frequently shared my thoughts and feelings with my mom, I never felt like I had that freedom with Dad.
Nervously, I paced the house as she went outside and called him. I told them that I struggled with homosexual desires but that I didn’t want to be gay. I also told them about the hope I had gained from the Portland Fellowship.
I left their house feeling a freedom that I had never before experienced. The weight of the secret I had kept for years began to evaporate. Later I found out that my parents were up most of that night, talking, crying and praying.
The next morning I went to church; before the service, Dad took me outside. He told me that he had seen many people with serous problems during his years of ministry, but he hadn’t seen anyone deal with a problem so diligently. He told me that he had never been so proud of me as he was that day. Dad truly blessed me with his loving and supportive words.
My first year of involvement at PF was difficult. During their Tuesday night meetings, I learned about the roots of my homosexual desires, God’s plan of forgiveness, and the freedom from homosexual struggle. However, occasionally on weekends, I would drive my scooter downtown and check out what was available in the gay community, hoping someone or something could fill the still-gaping pit of emotional need.
Pornography had a strong pull in my life, which was a barrier to my ability to grow in what I was learning about God. It took a full year of participation with PF before I was able to realize that I could not have it both ways: I couldn’t follow God and continue to hold out hope of satisfying the homosexual urges within.
By this time, I was attending Bible College. I lived in the dorm and began to share my struggle with some of the guys. It was a terrifying risk and although not everyone knew quite how to handle this issue, I didn’t experience rejection. In fact, one of the first guys with whom I shared became one of my closest friends.
God had heard me and was answering my prayers. His desire was not just to take away all my problems, but to provide the Body of Christ to come alongside to support and encourage me. It was through being open and sharing my struggle with others that I began to have my real needs fulfilled.
I became a small group leader at PF and continued to walk in submission to God. Suddenly I could see the intense emotional needs for male friendship were driving my desires. But slowly, through positive male friendships, my homosexual desires began to fade away.
One of the greatest steps I made in the change process began one night with my dad. We set up a time where just he and I could go out to dinner and talk–straight from our hearts. For the first time, we shared with each other the most personal things in our lives. I felt a new connection to him, one that began to take away some doubt and uncertainty about our relationship.
In January 1994, I joined PF staff. I wanted the opportunity to tell people that change was possible and hopefully reach teenagers with the good news of freedom from a life dominated by sexual sin.
I continued to mature over the next few years, working in ministry and attending classes to complete my degree in Biblical studies. One day, while hanging out with some friends at the college coffee shop, I looked across the table and noticed a beautiful young woman. Her smile and friendly nature attracted my attention. With the encouragement of my friends, I got up the nerve to ask her out. Slowly she became my first real girlfriend.
Amy knew little about homosexuality, but because of her desire to know me better and learn what I did, she participated in the eight-month PF program.
Exactly a year after our first date, I took her to Multnomah Falls–a famous local spot where my dad had proposed to my mom. I dropped down on one knee and asked Amy to be my wife. She was so startled that I almost dropped her ring over the bridge near the falls! Thankfully, she said yes.
Our wedding on March 15, 1997, was a beautiful ceremony, with our friends and loved ones right by our sides and supporting us all the way. We entered marriage with an incredible honeymoon in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico, and have been enjoying marriage ever since.
Jesus Christ is truly a God of mercy and grace. Strangely enough, I am now very grateful to have experienced homosexual struggles. When I submitted them to God, I gave Him permission to mold and shape me into the man I am today. I am thankful He chose me to help reach out to hurting people, and I’m thankful He granted me the desires of my heart. In Him, there are no secrets. He truly is a mighty God!
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