by McKrae Game
I grew up in what seemed from the outside as a normal middle-class, Christian family. I was the younger of two children, always in the shadow of my older sister who excelled at everything. I, on the other hand, seemed to struggle with everything.
My mom and dad were good church-going people and took us to church every Sunday and Wednesday. I have referred to us as having been “balcony Baptists,” as this was where we always sat in church. I was in church just about every time the doors were open, until I was about twelve. Unfortunately, neither my parents nor anyone else at our church ever discussed with me what it was to know Jesus, or God.
My dad was a strong confident man whose interests were outside the home. My mom was primarily the leader and caretaker of us as children, who was constantly on my father to involve me in his life. When he did try, he found that I did not share his interest in sports, and our relationship did not grow. Being complete opposites in how they were to raise me, they were in constant turmoil when my father was at home. Since I feared confrontation, I usually stayed away from the house as much as possible. When my parents would get in fights, my father would leave for days at a time. I felt abandoned and unwanted with no real direction towards being a boy or a young man.
I never quite fit in. My parents asked me why I could not be more like my sister. She read a great deal, excelled in school and sports, and was very popular. While I feared my mom and resented my sister, I knew more of them and feared girls less than boys, who were very elusive to me. All I knew of men and boys was the lack of interest I had been shown and the rejection that followed by boys that I came in contact with.
Later, my parents switched me to a private school, where my sister had been moved a year prior. Right away the boys there made it clear that I was not wanted. Because I wasn’t very sure of myself, they called me names like “queer” and “sissy” and gave me my new nickname “McGay.” I was known as Maria’s little brother for the next seven years until I switched back into public school because of my parents’ finances and my failing grades.
From an early age I looked at other boys with envy. I had wondered if I was gay, since so many of the boys at school were saying I was, and I was always looking at them with such awe.
When I was fifteen, my parents got divorced. Going back and forth between the two extremes of both parents, I decided to move out when I was eighteen.
A year later, at nineteen (1988), I found out that a neighbor of mine was gay. I had never had an opportunity before this but had told myself that I would follow through if ever propositioned. He soon showed me all that the gay life had to offer. I had never been so confused. My mind was telling me that this is what you have always wanted, and my body and soul were telling me that this was wrong. He quickly introduced me to all the pornography I could handle, and took me to the local gay bar. When I walked into the room, all eyes were on me. I was instantly addicted. All the attention and acceptance I had ever wanted was there for the taking.
I soon was in one relationship after another. While at times I was in relationships that seemed to be enjoyable and satisfying, they never seemed to last, while others left me feeling as if I were a prostitute. I can remember telling a friend that “I have this huge void in my life that I cannot seem to fill.” I wanted to be loved and accepted, but most of the time all I was getting was used.
Many times I had questioned in my mind if I could enter heaven as a gay man, or if I really wanted to live as a gay man the rest of my life. My mortality and my future were heavy on my mind. I wasn’t sure that I wanted to grow old with another man, or even worse, alone, and to give up any hope of a family that I might have.
A friend of mine, Roy, and his wife Deneen, and I were in a business together. She was pregnant at the time. It made me think of family. One evening Deneen asked me if I would ever want to get married and have children. I didn’t know how to answer. I did not know at the time that her husband and she believed that I was gay but were praying for me and loving me in spite of this belief.
Soon after, we went to Tampa for a conference. Friday night was the night of the beginning of Desert Storm (U.S. & Coalition liberation of Kuwait / invaded by Iraq). They had asked for any that wanted to come down and pray for our troops to do so then, that they were going to ask that the hand of God would go before them. I was really overwhelmed by this occurrence, as God was working on me. That Sunday there was a church service as a part of the conference. People were standing telling of trials that they had been through and how God had always been there to bring them through. I remember as we sang praise songs, I saw hope and peace in people’s eyes. This was the hope and peace that I had searched so desperately for. At the end of the church service, they asked for those that wanted to give their lives to Christ. I was the first one down there; and on that day of February 24, 1991, I became born again in Christ. I found that the void I had been trying to fill could only be filled by Christ. I found what I was looking for, not in the arms of a gay man, but in the loving arms of Jesus Christ.
When I got back, I called my mom and dad up and asked them to come over. They were terrified; believing that I was going to tell them that I had AIDS. I sat them down and told them how I had asked Christ to come into my heart. We all cried together. Next, I wrote and told all of my friends in the lifestyle of my new relationship with Christ and that I could never go back to that way of life. I didn’t know how I would follow Christ out of homosexuality; I just knew that I would, no matter what the cost.
I heard of a local Exodus ministry having a conference, which I attended, and I later got involved in their support group that they offered. I was reading my Bible, going to church, and reading every book on homosexuality that I could get my hands on. I knew that I was not born a homosexual. In Genesis, chapter one, the Bible tells us that God created man, male and female, and that He created us in His own image. So if I wasn’t born this way, then I learned it, and I could learn my way out of it. I believed God could heal me from my past.
I had learned to develop healthy relationships with other men. I realized that this is what I had needed and desired all along. Through developing a relationship with Christ and with a few godly men, I was able to fill many of my needs.
God did a great work in my life, but God also did a great work in my family’s life. Having been Christians for years, they have matured in their faith greatly. They are truly some of the best people in my life and a large part of who I have become today.
Five long and difficult years after leaving the lifestyle, I met Julie at the church I was attending and continue attending today. She was beautiful, and I couldn’t understand why she was interested in me, but luckily for me she was. We dated and were engaged for about one year, and on January 27, 1996, we were married. We now have two children, a strong young boy and a beautiful baby girl. In the five years leading up to this point, and as part of our marriage, God was doing a work in my life. It was not easy, but it was all worth where I am today– a whole man of God.
In February of 1999, I formed Truth Ministry. I had felt God’s call on my life early on in my relationship with Christ. I would have never dreamed that the Lord would have brought me so far, and to this point today.
I remember back when I was living alone, struggling with the thoughts and addictions in my homosexuality and gay identity and what that might have meant for my future. I desired so much to have someone to talk to that could steer me in the right direction. It is for this reason that God has brought me to where I am today.
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