I have discovered that there are many lonely people out there. In many ways, most of the people I counsel, no matter the specific issue they are battling, have a core issue of loneliness. In fact, I think loneliness often serves as the fuel that causes many battles and struggles to become inflamed.
Several years ago I was going through some counseling myself and struggling intensely with who I was as a man and as a Christian. My identity was very shaky. I read many books, and a common ‘cure’ for my problems included finding some good male friends with whom to have healthy, authentic relationships. I was a little scared of this assignment, but decided I would try. I joined a city-wide, interdenominational men’s Bible study. I figured that a men’s Bible study would be a great place to make some good, Christian friends.
I was wrong. I sat alone most nights, and rarely spoke to anyone. I looked around the room and everyone seemed to know everyone else. Instead of finding friends, my loneliness only seemed to grow heavier. One night I got angry with God and told him that I was tired of being alone, that the Bible study thing wasn’t working to help me meet new friends, and I was just going to quit the stupid Bible study. In the dark of my room, as I expressed my frustration, I sensed God speaking into my heart. He said, not audibly but clear nonetheless, “go to the Bible study to meet ME.”
In the days that followed, I realized that my greatest need at that moment was not connecting with a friend. My greatest need was connecting with my God. As I quieted myself down, it became clear to me that God could not entrust me with the kind of friendship I longed for at that time. I had set up ‘friends’ as a sort of idol and made friendship the key to my joy and my fulfillment and my healing. I would have devoured friends had He given them to me then. God was gracious in many ways to deny me what I so longed for because it compelled me to Him and the true source of my affirmation and identity. And, amazingly, as I pursued a deeper relationship with God, I found myself developing relationships with other men, and the friendships I had longed for began to happen.
Since then, I have gone through several seasons of loneliness. I believe that God orchestrates those seasons in my life – in all of our lives – to help pull us back to Him. We can be so prone to lose sight of Him and to make something else or someone else our center. But when He becomes all we have, we realize more clearly that He is really all we need. When He, in His godly and relational perfection, speaks affirmation and friendship and love and acceptance into our souls, we are perfectly satisfied. And when we are perfectly satisfied in Him, we are so much more ready to be a true friend to someone else, and to receive true friendship in a healthy way.
God designed us to be in community and to be in friendship. Those are good things, and things we all must have. But God did not design us to idolize or worship friends and relationships. Our joy is not to be dependent on the state of relationship in our lives. I know from experience that seasons of loneliness hurt immensely but can also be a very good thing. Much of my growth as a Christian has occurred during such seasons. If you are in one now, I encourage you to take this time to get to know God. Explore Him, and share yourself with Him. He promises that He can satisfy you, and you will discover the immensity of what it means to be fulfilled and have abundance in Christ alone. And when your eyes are off of you and on God as the true center of your existence, you might just realize that you are not alone after all.
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