My pastor took me into his office and said, “Frank, you are a homosexual.” Being only thirteen, I needed him to explain same-sex attraction. He did. Then he added that homosexuals were different from other people.

I’d been called different before! When my mother took me to kindergarten, my teacher told her, “Your boy is very different from the other boys.” And she was right; I’d detached from my family’s constant arguing by hiding in the attic and creating my own fantasy world. In response to my patterns of isolation, my peers called me names (which I later learned meant “homosexual”).

When I was ten, I began taking piano lessons. My piano teacher knew the Lord in a powerful way. She was ecstatic when, three years later, I accepted Him. She took me to her church, where I began to study organ.

Looking for a Father
My father died that year. The pastor took an interest in me, assuming the “father” role in my life. He was everything I looked for in a father! But in my heart, I hoped he was wrong about me being a homosexual. Certainly, I was different; I had no friends, I wasn’t into sports, and I devoted a lot of time to music. Still, I hoped that I was just late in developing opposite-sex attractions.

When I turned eighteen, I met a young lady. We went together for about a year. It was very exciting to think, Thank God, I’m normal! I love this woman and I want to marry her. So I proposed. She answered, “There are only two things that I love: horses and other women.”

Crushed, I returned to my pastor, who told me that I’d been attracted to my girlfriend’s masculinity. He reasoned, “I’ve been telling you for years that you are a homosexual.” I left the church that day, making the decision to accept my homosexuality. Since “God’s man” had convinced me that I was homosexual, I hoped that God would accept me.

Into the Gay Lifestyle
I entered the gay life-style at that time. By accepting my homosexuality, I believed I’d found where I belonged. The male homosexual life-style, however, is built on youth. And so, by the time I was 40, it was pretty much over for me. The only steady lover I could find wasn’t even really homosexual–he just stayed with me for the money! But even then, we both cheated on each other. It was very depressing.

The business I owned required me to travel around the world a great deal. During one of my trips, the manager of my biggest store hired a “hippie” boy. Though I didn’t want Michael there at all, the manager promised to keep him out of the customers’ sight if I’d let him work in the stock room. I agreed, reluctantly.

“What Happened to You?”
Returning from another trip, I was startled to see Michael with short hair, properly washed, and working at the front counter. He was efficient, the customers loved him, and he smiled all the time. Finally, after a week of watching him, I asked, “What in the world happened to you?”

He answered, “I accepted the Lord.” I wondered if Michael’s Christianity would last. During the following year, his life kept getting brighter and brighter. I began to wonder if God could change me the way He had changed Michael. But I told myself, “No. God has never changed a homosexual person.” I vacillated between hope and despair.

One day, the Lord spoke to me, saying, “Today I want you back.” I knew, without a doubt, that this was the voice of God. I ran to the store and located Michael, gasping, “I’ve just heard from God, I don’t know what to do.” I was beside myself. Michael responded that he had the keys to his church, and suggested that we go over there to pray.

A New Beginning
Michael had me kneel on the altar’s marble steps as he led me through a 20-minute sinner’s prayer! Because he knew nothing about homosexual activity, he had me confessing all kinds of things I’d never done. But I wanted everything God had for me, so I thought, “If I have to do this to change, I’ll confess anything!” When the prayer ended, the Lord’s Spirit came alive in my heart. I came out of the church a changed person!

When I went to Michael’s church, the people expressed love for me. Later I learned that they’d spent two years praying for “Michael’s gay boss.” And for the next year and a half, people from that church came to see me every day! That accountability kept me from going back to the homosexual life-style.

The Beginning of “Ex-gay” Ministry
At Michael’s suggestion, I made a testimony tape to reach out to people who were trapped in the homosexual life-style. I decided to advertise the tape in the worst sex paper in town. The ad read: “Do you want out of homosexuality? Send for a Brother Frank tape on a Christ-centered way out of homosexuality.” During the first year of its run, my ad brought in 60 people who wanted out of homosexuality! Men in my own church sought me out for counseling on leaving homosexuality. After a while, I started meeting with these men on Saturdays.

Eventually, the Lord put me in contact with a pastor who needed help in counseling homosexuals. Since he was a writer, he and I produced a book called The Third Sex? (one of the first Christian books ever published on homosexuality). Going all over the English-speaking world, that book generated an average of 200 letters a month.

Though I’d had no intention of leaving my business, the Lord impressed me with the need to enter ministry full-time. Thus, Love In Action began with weekly support group meetings.

Meeting with Barbara Johnson
After a little time had passed, I received a distraught phone call from Barbara Johnson, a woman in Los Angeles. Barbara’s son had entered the homosexual life-style, but the ex-gay ministry there didn’t offer ministry to parents. This was the first time I’d ever heard of any ex-gay ministry besides Love In Action! Intrigued, I hopped a plane the next morning and went down to see them.

When I met with the ministry leaders down there, we wondered if any other ex-gay ministries existed. We didn’t really know how to find out, but we managed to locate a number of ex-gay ministries around the world. So, in the middle of 1976, we had our first conference. Sixty people, representing twelve ministries, attended. Exodus was born!

My busy life satisfied me. I enjoyed my work and loved my church. I felt secure and complete, able to settle into a life of comfortable celibacy. After five years, I sensed I was ready for marriage, but was unwilling to make the time commitment involved. I often worked in the office from morning to midnight. How could I give a wife proper attention? I saw no compelling reason to seek marriage.

Praying for a Wife
Around the tenth year of celibacy, however, I began to grow uncomfortable with the single life. Intensely lonely, I began to pray for a mate. During this time, the Love in Action team held a seminar in Eugene, Oregon. I noticed the lady who sponsored the event across the room rapidly talking with a group of people. I thought, “What a hyper lady! I don’t think I want to get involved with her!” So I kept my distance. I felt quite sure I never wanted to meet her!

A year and a half later, I visited Los Angeles with Chris Medcalf of Exodus’ London ministry. We were on our way to Disneyland and had stopped by Barbara Johnson’s house to pick up some passes. Barbara told me that she was obligated to take another female visitor to Disneyland, but that she just didn’t have the time. Essentially, I would be doing her a favor if I could take this woman with us.

I was not happy at the prospect, but there is not much I wouldn’t do for Barbara. So I said: “Yes.” She introduced Chris and me to Anita (whom I had no idea I had ever seen at Barbara’s seminar the day before, and much less that she was the woman I’d so carefully avoided in Eugene!) The day at Disneyland proved to be the most fun I had known for years. Anita was full of jokes and the life of the party. I thoroughly enjoyed her company and dreaded to see the day come to an end.

The next day, Chris and I returned home to San Rafael and I became immersed in the day-to-day pressures of the ministry. The memory of that relaxing day faded until Barbara called to say that Anita had apparently liked me. Excitedly, I thought, “A woman really ‘likes’ me! Guess I did something right!” But calmly, I told Barbara that I couldn’t remember having a better day. I asked her to tell Anita that I liked her very much also.

A month or so later Barbara called again. She said that she and four other women were coming north to visit me. Since my late hours at the Love In Action office had never given me reason to furnish my home, I frantically prepared my condominium so that they would have a comfortable stay. But as I talked further with Barbara it became clear that only Anita would be able to make the visit. I panicked. How would that sound?! “Director of Ex-Gay Ministry Hosts Single Woman in Newly Furnished Apartment!”

Lori Thorkelson, a lady on my ministry’s staff, came to my rescue by agreeing to stay with Anita in my guest room. As a result of that week, Lori built a firm friendship with Anita and she was invaluable in helping me keep my romantic relationship on an even course. (Later, when I went to Europe for three months, I left a stack of cards for Lori to send Anita every few days, so Anita would know I was thinking of her.)

Love at First Sight
For Anita, it had been love at first sight. She became completely enamored with Love in Action. She loved all the staff and the work we were doing. She wanted to be part of it all. She cried all the way to the train station. It would take time for Anita’s love for me to match her love for Love In Action!

Late one night Anita called me and said that she wanted to see me. I suggested that she get in her car and drive to San Luis Obispo, the half-way point between Los Angeles and San Francisco. She was a little surprised that I was so impulsive, but she wasn’t willing to act on the spur of the moment. So we agreed to meet there in a few days. This rendezvous inaugurated a series of long drives to our half-way point (about a 500-mile round trip for each of us).

During these times, we had many meaningful talks about marriage. I was already fifty-five, which made me uncertain that I could consummate our marriage. We decided that a life together was far better than our long-distance relationship. We would have each other, and that would be enough. (As it turned out, my worries were needless.)

In November of 1984 we were married. Since then, we’ve had many adventures in ministry together around the world. In 1990, we left for Manila, Philippines, where we founded another ex-gay ministry. After several years, we returned home to California, leaving “Bagong Pag-asa” in the capable hands of Filipino leadership.

Then we began all over again–starting “New Hope Ministries” from scratch!

Marriage has been far better than our greatest expectations. And the honeymoon continues!

—-

Frank Worthen is one of the founders of the Exodus movement. He is the Executive Director Emeritus of New Hope in San Rafael, CA. Frank has written an autobiography, Destiny Bridge, A Journey Out of Homosexuality. He and Anita are enjoying their semi-retirement on their ranch in California.

During a recent quiet time, the Lord showed me what my life might have been like today. I envisioned myself living alone downtown–lonely and desperate, still going after that which could not satisfy, seeking from other men that which they did not have to give.

Willa, my wife, was living somewhere else, the anger and hurt in her life still hidden beneath the surface. I saw our younger daughter, Beth, daily expressing an anger towards a father who had never understood her needs and who had finally abandoned her. Our older daughter, Laura, carried a deep sadness for a father she loved very much. Our son, Steven, had not been born at all.

A New Man
But that is not the way my life is. On the night of November 26, 1974, a new man was born. Perhaps it would be more accurate to say that a boy was reborn and started to grow into a man.

In my background were most of the ingredients typically seen as contributing to homosexuality: an unplanned child, parents who were hoping for a girl, an older brother who met the father’s ideal more than I, and a father with severe emotional problems which caused him to barely be able to cope with life himself, much less meet the needs of his son. Now I know that these factors did not cause my homosexuality. Rather, my responses to these factors influenced me in that direction.

Lifelong Attractions to Men
My attraction to men goes back almost as far as I can remember. I suppose I was about twelve years old when I started acting out my homosexual attractions. But, growing up in the 1940′s and 50′s, there was not a visible gay subculture, a homosexual lifestyle, to which I could aspire. I always assumed I would marry and do the best I could. My wife Willa and I had grown up neighbors, dated through high school, and then in college became more serious.

She was a wonderful, popular girl and I believed we could have a good life together. We were married and things went well in the early years. But about the fifth year of marriage, after our two daughters were born and the normal family and career pressures started to build, I again became homosexually active. I was involved for the next ten years.

During those years I believed that, except for this one great, dark area in my life, I had it all together. I was successful in business, a pillar of the church, and had a wonderful family, including foster children we took in. Theologically, I had it pretty well figured out. All men and women commit sin, and this was my particular area of weakness.

Hating My Homosexuality
This may be hard for many to understand, but I hated my homosexuality more than anyone could imagine. But even worse was the thought of giving it up. I don’t know why. Was I really seeking love from another man? To be worth something to a man? To possess another’s manhood? Perhaps it was all of these, but sex with another man met some need, provided some relief or escape that I felt I had to have.

I figured that if I just kept it moderately under control, God’s scorecard on me would tally up in my favor and I would be okay. But everything was not under control. The compulsion was increasing and my going out became more frequent and reckless. My marriage was coming apart at the seams. I finally was no longer able to function heterosexually. Willa figured out what the problem was, but decided not to confront me.

The Power of Prayer
My wife, of course, was desperately unhappy during those years. She joined a prayer group of mature Christian women who were true prayer warriors. Although she did not tell them the specific nature of the problem, they started praying for our marriage. Willa began sensing that she should let go of me. If the marriage were to fall apart, and me with it, she was to let it happen. She was able to let go of me, spiritually and emotionally.

Not long after this, a friend asked me to attend a prayer meeting. I resisted for a long time, but finally agreed to go. He told me, “What the Lord has for you is far better than anything you could imagine.” When I heard that, a great peace came over me.

A Great Change
To a casual onlooker, nothing spectacular happened that November night. But inside of me, a great change occurred. As the large group of two or three hundred people were praying and praising God aloud, I quietly surrendered my life, including my homosexuality, to Jesus Christ. I admitted my helplessness, that my life was a wreck, that I was willing to let Him do whatever He would with my life.

Beginning the following day, I started to recognize that a whole bundle of miracles had occurred. Gone were the homosexual fantasies which seemed to have seldom left my waking mind over the previous 25 years. I felt a love for Willa that I never knew was possible.

Perhaps most important of all, God was no longer a faraway scorekeeper. He was a Savior who had come down from His heaven and brought me salvation. Jesus loved me and I loved Him so very much. I know for the first time what it was to love and be loved in return.

At the time, I felt that what God had done was a total healing, and it is true that the sexual pull towards other men was gone. But homosexuality is more than having sex with someone of the same gender. Closer to the root is a deep brokenness, almost a stillbirth in our manhood or womanhood. Somehow as a small boy, I had closed a door to my growth into manhood. God helped me open it again.

Growth Into Manhood
My conversion marked the resumption of my growth into manhood. God has worked wonderfully to remove my great sense of inadequacy around “straight” men, those who have never experienced homosexuality. He has enabled me to become an initiator and a leader, roles which I dreaded at one time. In a beautifully gentle way, God has been shifting the roles my wife and I take, so that I can assume my proper headship in our family.

Because of the sudden nature of my healing from homosexuality, I am often asked, “How complete is your healing…really?” In reply, I can say it has stood the test of time and has borne the fruit of a blessed marriage.

I have not been homosexually tempted during the past ten years. By temptation, I mean seriously desiring or considering a sexual act with another of the same sex. I did carry beyond my initial healing some desire for an older, stronger man to “take care of me.” That too is now gone, and I see men as brothers, not as father-protectors.

Naturally, I have avoided literature, movies and other situations which could arouse homosexual lust. When they are encountered, as they will be, or when someone I am counseling describes the circumstances of a sexual fall, it does sometimes give rise to some sexual feelings. However, those are minor and are diminishing with the passing of time. I may still take a look at a good-looking man, but God has shown me in the past few years that this is based on envy and habits from the past. As I repent of the envy and continue to thank God for the way He made me, this too is becoming less frequent.

I am frequently asked the question that unfortunately is often considered the acid test: “Are you sexually aroused by women in general?” No, I am not. I love my wife, and we have had a wonderful and enjoyable sexual/ romantic relationship since my healing. But she is the only woman with whom I wish to have sex. Sexual intercourse is meant to be an expression of love between two people in the context of a lifetime commitment. It is only because of the Fall that men have problems lusting for women outside of that committed relationship. Therefore, it seems unlikely that God would replace my homosexuality with a fallen heterosexuality. I thank Him that He has spared me that battle.

I’m so thankful that the picture of “what might have been” in my life today has not occurred. I am involved full time in ministry to homosexuals. Willa and I are working together in this ministry. We are looking forward to celebrating our twenty-fifth wedding anniversary. Our two daughters are now in college and Stephen, our son who “would not have been,” is eight years old and doing well. And his father loves him very much.

Additional Information:
Copyright 1985, Alan Medinger. Alan is author of the book, Growth into Manhood, published in 2000 by Harold Shaw Publishers.

“Have a seat, Bob,” my doctor said. He paused, looking at me soberly. “Your test result came back positive. You have been exposed to the virus that causes AIDS.

“Now, it’s important for you to realize what this means,” he continued. “It doesn’t mean you will necessarily get AIDS. But the HIV virus is in your blood. As a result, your immune system has created antibodies to it.”

The year was 1985. It had been two years since I decided to leave the gay lifestyle, but now my secret fear was coming true. The AIDS virus had invaded my body.

First Homosexual Experience
I was in the eighth grade when I had my first homosexual experience with one of the older guys at boarding school. My confused adolescent fantasies included sex with men and women after that. A second homosexual encounter during my first year of Bible college seemed to confirm what I’d suspected for years.

I must be gay, I thought.

My friends seldom talked about sex. I felt they could never help or tolerate someone with my feelings. Homosexuality seemed too evil a subject to talk about. So I hid my problem, saying nothing to anyone.

Finally, I couldn’t stand the hypocrisy I felt between my outward Christianity and my inner homosexual longings. The gay lifestyle appeared to offer love and acceptance, a place where I would finally belong. I quit college and plunged into the gay life. Over the next 12 years, I got heavily involved in drugs, alcohol and deep levels of sexual perversion in an attempt to deny the emptiness in my life. Satan twisted my soul and personality until my behavior disgusted and shocked even me. But instead of love, acceptance and belonging, I only developed deeper levels of insecurity and self-hatred.

By the age of 30 I had the things that should have made me happy: a good job, my own home, and a 21-year-old lover who really cared for me. Yet none of this satisfied me. I wasn’t even capable of being faithful to my lover and ended the relationship. All the things society implied would make me happy had failed.

A New Hope
One day, my mother gave me a sermon tape from her church. For the first time, I heard of men and women who had come out of homosexuality. God used that tape to soften my heart and to give me hope that change was possible. I went for counseling and experienced the power of God as He began changing and restoring my life.

For several months, my homosexual feelings vanished. My gay struggles are over, I thought naively. I’ll never be troubled by homosexuality again. But then all the old feelings came back. I sought counseling at church, but the counselor didn’t really understand homosexuality. He felt that I shouldn’t share with my friends what I was going through, and this made things even worse.

Inner Conflict
Soon I started going to parks and places where I could engage in anonymous sexual behavior. The conflict inside was terrible. Even though I wanted to serve the Lord, I couldn’t stop my sin. The pain I felt was like slashing myself with a knife. I knew God held me responsible for my actions, but I felt powerless to break the addiction.

Because of the strain on my life and emotions, I started to seriously consider suicide. Thankfully God put people into my life to encourage me. Although they didn’t know much about homosexuality, they gave me unconditional love and helped me to persevere. I cried out to God, and couldn’t understand why He didn’t seem to answer. Only later did I realize He was preparing help for me all along.

God brought me to a ministry for people who struggle with homosexuality. Their 18-week course changed my life by restoring my hope. For the first time I met people who had successfully left the gay lifestyle, including some who were happily married. The possibility of change and wholeness became a reality to me.

Testing Positive
But during this period of new hope, my energy level plummeted. I went for tests. Two weeks later, my doctor informed me I tested positive to the HIV virus. It didn’t seem fair and I cried out to God. “I’m finally getting some help and now this!” Initially I felt angry at God and considered going back into the lifestyle. I had tried so hard, and now I might get AIDS. In my anger I even had thoughts of just going crazy and having sex with as many people as possible, as some sort of twisted revenge on God and life. It seemed that God had deserted me.

“If God genuinely loved me, He wouldn’t have let me get sick,” I said to myself. I felt He was punishing me for not being good enough. As I worked through these feelings, I realized it was my choice to go into the gay lifestyle. My illness was a result of my sexual sin.

Also I realized my exposure to the virus had probably occurred before I returned to the Lord. He knew I would become ill and brought me help because He loved me. Jesus died on the cross for me and forgave my sins, but He didn’t promise to take away all the physical consequences of those sins. When I tested positive in 1985, I was told that only about 20% of the people who tested positive would actually get AIDS. Currently the figure quoted is around 70% and some physicians believe it will eventually be 100%. From a purely medical viewpoint the outlook is not encouraging.

Fortunately there is a great deal of work being done to find a cure. The doctors are getting better at prolonging and improving the life of AIDS patients. Even more important is the fact that God is not limited by man’s knowledge.

As a Christian I know all things are possible with Christ. I believe that God does physically heal people today. I have learned to be persistent in praying for my physical healing and to believe that it is possible. After all, if God has the power to create this entire universe and to raise people from the dead, He can certainly destroy a small virus in my body.

Yet I have also learned not to equate being healed with receiving God’s love. I know deep in my heart that God loves me. He will do what’s best for my life.

In June of 1987, I developed PCP (Pneumocystis Carinii Pneumonia) which classified me as having “full-blown” AIDS. I don’t know if God is going to heal me or take me home, but He is always there to comfort me.

What I’ve Learned
One of the lessons God taught me was not to suppress the emotions of fear and grief. At first I tried, but that only made things worse. Instead I try to follow the example of David in the Psalms. He is always honest with God about where he is at. First he is honest about how he feels and then he focuses on how wonderful God is and what He has done.

It has been better for me to cry with my loved ones about how much it will hurt if God takes me home, rather then glossing over it and never discussing it. Only when I am willing to face fear and grief can Jesus come into the situation and bring me comfort. But if I refuse to talk about my feelings, communication and intimacy with my loved ones are blocked.

Eternal Perspective
My life on earth will seem like a moment when compared with eternity. Learning to deal with AIDS and to trust the Lord since my diagnosis has brought me deeper peace and joy than I thought possible.

Through facing trials, fears and pain, I have learned that God is always there to comfort me and help me through the hard times. If I let myself remain in an attitude of self-pity or anger, it blocks the peace, joy and comfort that He has for me.

Regardless of whether I am healed or taken to heaven, I know that facing AIDS has brought me closer to God than ever. The more I can develop a meaningful relationship with Him in this life, the better I will be able to serve Him during eternity.

Additional Information:
Bob Winter died about one year after this testimony was written. He was surrounded by loving friends and family when he went Home.

by Marcus Mitchell

“For I know the thoughts and plans that I have for you… for your welfare and peace and not for evil, to give you hope in your final outcome” (AB, Jer. 29.11).

I was born a miracle child. I am the only child, out of six, that my mother was able to carry full term and successfully deliver. My mother had Toxemia, and most of her pregnancies ended during the sixth or seventh month. I believe the adversary had it out for me even before I got here.

I was raised in a Christian home primarily by my mother. I had significant problems bonding with my father. My dad had his son, but I was not the son that he wanted. I was not good at sports, and my dad was a sports-a-holic. It wasn’t for lack of trying. I played little league baseball for 3 years and hated every minute of it. It was the same with most sports. I was good at the arts and music; unfortunately, my dad would not have any part of that. He never supported any of the activities I was involved in; yet, he found time to go to my next-door neighbor’s and best friend’s football games.

Many factors led to a significant lack of self-esteem. Teased incessantly at school by all of the boys, I was called “sissy” and “fag” on a regular basis. Our neighborhood was predominately white and most of my friends were also white. As the neighborhood became more integrated, the African-American kids rejected me, because they felt like I was a sellout. Not only did my peers ridicule me, but my father secretly began telling my mother that I was a “punk.”

Thank God that at the age of nine I personally accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior at a Katherine Kuhlman meeting in Los Angeles at the Shrine Auditorium. I loved the Lord, and at the age of ten I preached my first sermon in children’s church. However, we began attending a new church that had started in the area. The pastor was single and was very interested in my mother, a single mom. It later came out that he was really attempting to gain access to me. Eventually he did, and for a year and a half he molested me. I was terrified and could not even think of telling my mother since she was interested in him. I prayed daily for God to rescue me from the abuse. It was so confusing: even though I didn’t like the abuse, my body responded as though I did. Eventually, God answered my prayers and the church folded; the pastor moved on to some other city, but the damage was done. I never spoke a word of this to anyone until I was 25 years old. I was tormented by this abuse throughout my childhood years.

By the time I was 16, I was deep into homosexual pornography and habitual masturbation. I was still trying to resist my feelings, because I knew homosexuality was an abomination to God. However, I had my first sexual experience with a man at the age of 17. The fire was ignited, but I still tried to fight. At the age of 19, I gave up and chose to fully embrace the homosexual lifestyle. I felt so free: finally men accepted me. Little did I know that these feelings of freedom would eventually turn into ones of bondage. I acted out in every way imaginable. Still, deep down inside, I believed that what I was doing was wrong.

I medicated my wounds and loneliness with alcohol, drugs and sex, but I had a praying mother who never gave up on me. She desperately prayed I would change. I never thought change was possible because I believed I had committed the unforgivable sin of homosexuality. In 1995, I finally hit rock bottom. I was part of the “A” crowd. I had everything: my own home, a great career and a nice car. However, one thing still escaped me: a long-term relationship with a man. I know now that I was really craving an intimate relationship with Jesus Christ and the male affirmation I failed to receive from my father. I was miserable, so I figured that there must be something wrong with me, and I began seeing a non-Christian therapist. God used this therapist to speak these words to me: “You need to surrender.” I was so outdone: here was this non-Christian therapist telling me to surrender.

Later that year God had a plan for me. God does have a sense of humor though. A friend of mine talked me into having a Tupperware party. The next thing I knew I was selling colored, plastic bowls to women at parties. But through Tupperware, I met a true friend and a mighty woman of God. Rita told me that the Lord said I was her “project.” She knew I was homosexual, but she kept insisting that God loved me and wanted to forgive me. I told her that that was impossible because I had committed the abomination of homosexuality, an unforgivable sin. She prayed with me. She set me straight, helping me know and understand that forgiveness and change were possible. She knew nothing about an ex-gay movement, but she knew Jesus and His power to heal and forgive. She told me that God showed me to her in a dream married and with children of my own. This was impossible for me to see at this point, but I told her that I could at least have faith in her faith.

From there I got connected with a local church and began to renew and re-cultivate my relationship with the Lord. He, through His Word and prayer, walked me out of homosexuality. I knew nothing about Exodus or any other ex-gay ministry, but He spoke to me and gently helped me mature in Him. I began to experience joy and peace like never before. I was so overjoyed to be in right relationship with Him. At that time I believed I was called to remain single. I was sold out and on fire for God, but He wasn’t finished yet.

On April 12, 1997, I met a wonderful woman from my church at a friend’s house. We all went to a Kirk Franklin concert together, and I got to spend some time with this beautiful princess named Sara. We exchanged numbers and began talking. However, for the first three weeks of our relationship, I did not know that she was interested in me in “that” way. When I found out through my friend, I was ready to run for the hills! I felt I had way too much baggage for this woman, but the Lord spoke quietly to me and said, “Stand still. I am trying to bless you. Don’t move forward; don’t run; just stand still.” Somehow I was able to stand still even though I was terrified and shaking in my boots, and our friendship blossomed into a beautiful, godly relationship. Everyone kept telling me, “This is your wife,” but I just couldn’t fathom this. All my friends said I had been totally different since I met Sara. I told them that if God meant for Sara to be my wife, I would have to hear it directly from God Himself. I kept asking God, “But why? I never even asked you for this.” God reminded me that this had always been His plan for me; I was the one who had veered off course. He gave me the scripture found in Ephesians 3:20: “Now unto him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we could think or ask, according to the power that worketh within us.” Sara and I were engaged on April 12th 1998, one year from the day we met, and we were married on October 24, 1998. That day was one of the best days of my life; I remember the joy on my mother’s face.

Now Sara and I minister together at our church to those that are struggling with homosexuality. I could not imagine my life without her: she is my best friend and number one support. She is truly my Ephesians 3:20.

I thank God for the faithful prayers of my mother, Othell Mitchell, who went home to be with the Lord in November of 2001. She never gave up on me and stayed on her face before the Lord for my salvation. She hated the sin in my life but continued to love the sinner. She never rejected me. My relationship with my father has grown by leaps and bounds, and on my wedding day he told me how proud he was of me. Parents please don’t give up; GOD will answer your prayers and deliver your child as well!

Today I am Victorious Overcomer, because the Word says, “And they overcame him because of the blood of the Lamb and because of the word of their testimony” (Rev. 12.11). Today I am a heterosexual man and a child of God who is married to a godly woman. My marriage is not a badge of healing but evidence of God’s continued healing work in my life.

I did not choose to be gay, nor was I born gay. Instead, my attraction to other men was something that developed over a number of years, with many factors contributing to its development.

When I was a child, I didn’t know that my father loved me. He was away at work a lot, and I didn’t see that much of him, so my needs for same-sex love and affirmation were not met. Though my dad did not mean to hurt me, I felt rejected and began to shut him out emotionally.

When I was a child, I was usually on the sidelines of the boys’ activities. From kindergarten to grade 12, I lived far away from school and from my classmates, which limited after-school friendships and activities. Even at school, my lack of interest and skill in sports meant I ended up playing outfield or similar positions in gym class. Because of frequent moves, I changed schools five times, staying at three of them for a year or less. It was hard to make friends when all the other kids had already known each other for several years.

In other ways, living on the periphery of life was due to sexual abuse, which in my life ranged from being sexually fondled by an adult male “friend of the family” at age five to being raped by three male peers in my early teens.

The abuse taught me to be afraid of men. It destroyed my sense of personhood and what little there was of a sense of masculinity. The message I got was that I was dirt, something to be used by others.

The abuse also taught me that the way to be close to a man is by being sexually involved with him. Puberty, when it happened in the middle of all of this, further sexualized my emotional need for love and affirmation. As far back as I can recall having sexual fantasies, they were only about men.

In earlier high school, a few of the boys–particularly one named Jimmy–often called me “fag.” I understood it to be derogatory, but neither knew exactly what it meant nor that it could be used to actually describe my desires.

It was only a few months before my 19th birthday that I realized the word “homosexual” applied to my thoughts and desires. This was a great shock to me, and I became quite depressed. I was moody and slept a lot. I declined to answer when someone asked, “How are you?” On two occasions, I felt like killing myself.

In one sense I was still the same person. But in another sense, I now had this label stuck on me. I realized that the sexual thoughts in my head were different from most other men. I was no longer “just me.”

I told my two closest friends what was happening. Mark replied that he already knew and that he, too, was gay. Richard and I were sitting in the kitchen when I told him, late one night, with my parents sleeping upstairs. It was a very difficult moment. I remember holding a glass clenched in my hand, shaking with fear and emotion. When I finally managed to speak, Richard wasn’t surprised to hear that I was dealing with homosexuality, and was very supportive.

It was helpful to have both a friend who knew what I was going through because of being in a similar situation, and a straight friend who stood by me. Most of the friends to whom I “came out” over the years were, in fact, straight Christians, and only two of them reacted negatively. The rest of them continued to love me and to relate to me as they had before knowing.

Over the next few months, I got information from a local gay phone line and wondered whether my beliefs about what the Bible said were wrong. After much thinking, I concluded that God’s intention for His creation really was for one man and one woman to be in a life-long committed relationship, and that anything else was wrong.

I did not know then whether change was possible, but decided that, even if nothing ever changed in regard to my sexuality, following Jesus was my first priority. This was a difficult decision for me–I knew that it could mean being single for the rest of my life.

That August, my family moved to London, Ontario. At university, one of the first people I met was a Christian med student named Ron, and we became friends. It took a long time for me to trust him enough to tell him why I was feeling so depressed. When I did, our friendship remained the good friendship that it had been.

Much later, Ron told me a story which he had heard in one of his classes, about an alcoholic doctor with two sons. After leaving work, this doctor would often drink enough to make the family dinner time a very unpleasant experience. His sons grew and got bigger and one day, before dinner, they tied him up in his study. His wife simply assumed he was working late. It was the first peaceful meal in a long time, and the boys used the same method on other nights.

At some point, after a neighbor noticed a light flashing on and off and discovered what was happening, the doctor went into treatment for alcoholism. The point of the story, though, was that while what the boys did worked, it didn’t really solve the problem. It was a maladaptive way of coping with the situation. Somehow, this story made sense out of my own experience, and gave me a great sense of hope for dealing with my own past.

Two things happened during the years between hearing this story and starting to deal with my abuse. I learned a lot more about homosexuality, including alternate perspectives to those which were generally available. I began to see how the things that happened affected my sense of who I was, both as a person and in terms of my gender identity and sexuality.

I began to understand how my responses to what happened, like shutting out my dad when I felt rejected, further affected my sense of who I was. It later became clear that my sexual fantasies about men mirrored the unresolved abuse from my childhood, and were an attempt to reconnect with the masculinity which I lacked. Trying to get worth and masculinity from other men was, for me, a “maladaptive way of coping with the situation.”

Secondly, I learned that God really loved me. I very much needed to know in my heart that I mattered to Him and that He loved me as I was. I didn’t have to change first, or solve all my problems; in fact, there was nothing that I could do to get Him to love me more than He already did. Having grown up in a church, I knew in my mind that God loved me. But my experience with my earthly father, whom I felt did not love me, made it hard for me to believe in my heart that God my heavenly Father really loved me.

Part of what helped me heal in this area was to separate “my two fathers.” This enabled me to love my earthly dad, to see him as a man who has many good qualities along with his shortcomings, and a man who was a better father to me than his father was to him. And I could see my heavenly Father more clearly as One who always loves me and is always there for me.

Knowing that God really loved me gave me a solid base from which to deal with the abuse of my childhood. As I worked through first one incident, then another, I began to see the lies which I had believed. The abuse told me I was good for nothing; God tells me that I am very precious and that the abuse should never have happened. The abuse told me that I was bad; God tells me that what happened is not my fault.

As I grieved the loss of my childhood and my innocence, God held me and comforted me. He also placed around me a number of friends who helped me through this painful time. One of them was a woman named Wendy, who had been my colleague for about five years. Over those years, a good friendship developed, and almost without knowing it, I came to love her. We were married in July 1991, not in the mistaken belief that marriage “cures” homosexuality, but because I truly loved her and was attracted to her. This was a great surprise to me; I hadn’t expected to get married, nor had I been sexually attracted to women before.

I used to be–but am no longer–exclusively homosexual. I now experience sexual attraction to women, and find my physical relationship with Wendy very satisfying. Though I still experience some attraction to men, I expect this will continue to decrease as the abuse and its shame are worked through, and as I gain a greater sense of my masculinity.

I have to keep going to God. I need to have His truth and His light shine on the lies that I have believed for too long. He really knows who I am, and all that He created me to be, and I look forward to its continued unfolding in my life.

One Saturday when I was 11, my Dad asked me if I would like to go for a walk with him. I was thrilled, as Dad never spent much time with me. I felt so proud as we walked down the street. This was my father, and I was his son. Then came the words I will never forget: “Jim, your mother and I have been having some problems…”

In a flash, I realized where this conversation was headed. His request to spend time alone with me–for the first time in months–only served as a preamble to him cutting out of our lives for good.

I was furious and cussed a blue streak at him before running away. I was devastated. How could my father leave me? Why didn’t he ever spend any time with me? What was wrong with me?

By the end of the year, my two oldest brothers were in college and my other brother was living with my father. Our household had gone from a family of six to just Mom and me. I became the man of the house, my mother’s confidante, and a boy with no male role models. So I began searching for someone to take the place of the men who had all left me.

I found the answer in the pages of my brother’s porn magazines that he’d left hidden downstairs. Even though it was heterosexual pornography, there were enough males in the photos to give me a steady supply of available men when I was confused or depressed. They were always there, perfect and sexual. I wanted to be just like them when I grew up.

When my father moved in with my mother’s best friend, he refused to see me unless I condoned his new relationship. I refused and lost any hope of a relationship with him. I had become a Christian about six months prior to my Dad’s departure. Now I clung to God to get me through the pain of my father’s abandonment. I attended a Bible study and read the Psalms at night to go to sleep.

But my father’s absence continued to hurt me deeply. I longed for him and hated him for leaving me. The magazines in the basement continued to provide a solace. By age 14, I was living a double life: part of me was devoted to God my Father, and the other part was equally devoted to pornographic images of men who were father, brother, friend and lover.

In high school, my anger grew. My father was wealthy, yet he refused to pay child support or alimony. I never saw him and he never called me. I knew that I didn’t matter to him. I was hungry for men: emotionally, spiritually and sexually. By my senior year in high school, I began having sex with other men. It was great! At last I had found men who really wanted to be with me.

In college, I “came out” to my family and friends. My friends thought my homosexuality was “way cool” and my popularity soared as I flaunted my newfound sexual identity. My family was a different story. They felt deeply embarrassed and angry. One brother confronted me: “You may not have chosen your sexual orientation, but you have chosen to act on it. I don’t think you have a right to be gay when it comes to obeying God.” I was livid–but never forgot his words.

A month later, I got seriously involved with Doug, a sensitive and graceful ballet dancer. We began dating on Valentine’s Day, 1982. It felt so right to be getting romantically involved with a man–much more honest than dating girls in high school.

Doug and I were both starved for male attention, a codependent’s dream-come-true. We loved did everything together, even droppin out of college for a semester and touring Europe. Afterward, we re-entered college and settled down in a nice apartment. Life was lots of fun.

After a year, however, I started to feel suffocated inside. Who was I? Was I just some projection of this man’s ideals? Was I just living out the expectations of the gay subculture around me? If I was gay, why was I so miserable?

Over time, a depression settled into my soul that was as dark and heavy as the grave. Somehow I had left God by the wayside; He had become a distant authority figure. I became upset. How could God judge me for being gay? Hadn’t He made me this way? If God was so loving, why had He turned His face away from me?

I started drinking and smoking pot to deal with the depression. I broke up with Doug and entered the gay “fast lane”: all-night parties, plus lots of sex and chemicals. The depression only deepened. I knew it was only a matter of time before I would commit suicide.

Two years later, a wave of despair came crashing over me. One evening I burst into tears and drove, crying, out into the country. I stopped the car under some trees, looked up at the sky through sun-dappled leaves, and spoke to God in angry desperation. “Why have You turned your face away?”

Suddenly the truth hit me. God was right there–and always had been. It was me who had turned away. In the same instant, I realized what it would cost me to turn back to Him: surrendering control of my life. I would have to become His son. His disciple. His warrior. His love. His.

But hadn’t that been what I had been looking for all along–a father who loved me? Suddenly I felt the possibility of hope. A peace began to sift through my soul, like daybreak entering a basement window. Over the next few months, the crushing depression began to lift.

That summer, God brought an amazing series of friends into my life. I worked with a cast of seven other college students, performing musical revues for tourists in West Palm Beach, FL. Those students changed my life. We had the most incredible chemistry, both on and off the stage. One of them–a 20-year-old straight guy named Rod–became my best friend. The entire summer became an exercise in male affirmation and fun. I began to see myself as a man among men. As someone another man would befriend for reasons other than sex.

After that summer, I stopped going to bars and hanging out with my gay friends as much. I started going to church, made straight friends, and even dated women.

But still I struggled. Sex had become my coping mechanism for life’s harshness. Anytime I felt afraid or disappointed or angry, I had sex. But the more sex I had, the less satisfying it became.

Several years passed. Then, when I was 26, my mother said something I’ve never forgotten: “When you’re finally ready to heal, you’ll heal.” I knew what she meant: I wasn’t experiencing healing because I didn’t want it bad enough to actually give up the habitual sex.

From that point on, I knew my will had to be totally focussed on healing. And that’s been my focus for the past eight years. As I choose to resist sin, God empowers my choice. “I can do all things through Him who strengthens me” (Phil. 4:13) has become a reality to me.

I met my wife-to-be when we both worked for a Christian theater company in Houston. We started dating, and quickly got very emotionally intense. It was a re-enactment of my relationship with Doug a decade earlier. Soon I was gasping for emotional breathing space and we broke up.

Four months later, we got back together. That November, I asked her to marry me. When she said yes, we started making wedding plans. Everything seemed wonderful–but I was terrified. In January, she hurt my feelings one night and I promptly went to a gay bar and found a one-night stand.

The next day, I told her the truth. After that, the laughter went out of our relationship; a month later, we broke up again. I went to therapy for sexual addiction and she went to therapy for codependency.

That fall we ended up at the same graduate school, bumping into each other in the registration line. We stayed clear of each other for awhile, but eventually started dating again. A year-and-a-half later, we cautiously got engaged. Both of us had seen some major breakthroughs in our respective issues and–after much prayer!–felt God’s go-ahead. We were married in 1992.

Is my life free from any pull toward homosexuality? No. It’s still difficult at times. But despite the temptations, I know the truth. Following Jesus Christ is the only path that is ultimately fulfilling. All else is an illusion of happiness that eventually leads to death. Last year, I got a phone call from a good Christian friend who had a similar past to mine. He was at the doctor’s office and had just found out he was HIV positive. We were both devastated. Then it hit me: That should have been me! As we grieved together, I had a new sense of the mercy and grace of God in my life.

So, although the Christian walk is hard at times, I see the choices so clearly. Death or life. Blessing or destruction. Yes, I still struggle, but when I hear my infant son’s laughter or see the joy in my wife’s smile, I know that my life is good, very good.

So I’m still learning how to obey. God wants us to have joy and an abundant life. But, when I look up joy in the Bible, it usually follows the word obedience. The fruit of obedience is joy.

The desire of my heart has been to have a father who really wants me. And God has given me that. He’s given me Himself.

Additional Information:
Copyright 1997 Jim Shores. Jim and his wife Carol perform nationally as Acts of Renewal (Christian Theatre Company). These performances have been enormously popular at Exodus Conferences for a number of years. They also perform across the country at marriage conferences, singles events, colleges and church worship services. For booking information contact: 864-421-9100 or citaexec

I did not become acquainted with the word “homosexual” until I was in high school. I knew, however, that it described the feelings I had experienced throughout my childhood.

Same-sex attractions and feelings had been around since I could remember. I assumed that this is how I was born and these feelings defined who I was as a person. I heard no discussions about homosexuality as a child and I chose not to discuss these feelings with anyone. This was the beginning of my sense of isolation and aloneness that would plague me for years to come.

A significant event took place when I was a sophomore in high school. During that year I was exposed to homosexual pornography. To this day I can see myself and feel the effect that those images had on me. I couldn’t stop looking at those pictures. My body ached to be touched, held, to somehow be bonded with those men in the pictures. I could not take my eyes off of those images and that event seared one thought in my mind: You are a homosexual.

As I reflect on my life, I now see that every time the enemy was offering me counterfeit life, God was ever-present to show me the truth, the real. Just as I had same-sex attractions growing up, I also had an awareness of God as demonstrated through His creation around us. There was a hunger in me to know God just as there was a hunger to know men.

I knew about God, but I didn’t know Him in a personal way. I remember as a 15-year-old, crying out to Him for help in a point of anguish and desperation with my addiction to masturbation and pornography. He heard my cry. The same year I was introduced to pornography, a Franciscan priest took me to a Full Gospel Business Men’s dinner where I was introduced to Jesus. My heart soared as His life and Spirit came into me. My heart recognized that this was what I was searching for. I asked Jesus to be my Savior, but I did not truly make Him Lord of my life at that time.

Dealing With God’s Truth. For the next several years I was involved in the “Jesus movement” of the early ’70s. In college I belonged to a Christian community house and I remember the precious fellowship, awesome times of praise and worship, and wonderful teaching. It was then that I became familiar with passages in Scripture which condemn sexual behaviors outside the context of heterosexual marriage.

In my conscience I agreed with God’s truth regarding homosexual behavior. However, in order to cope with my strong feelings, I shut down my heart. By not dealing with my feelings, I placed myself in bondage to them. Knowing of no one who was walking in freedom from homosexuality, my feelings of aloneness and isolation deepened.

Because I had not made Jesus Lord of my life, willing to follow Him no matter what the cost, I walked away from Him. In 1976 1 began dating a man that I knew. Having found my “Mr. Right,” I was ready to settle down into a lifelong relationship. But that “lifelong” relationship lasted only six years.

Compromise. Since I couldn’t have what I thought I wanted, I compromised my life. Now I was willing to become involved with men who did not want a committed relationship. I was willing to go out to the strip clubs and, in an alcoholic blur, drown my sorrows and lost dreams. I was walking through life oblivious of my inner turmoil. I viewed other men as mere objects to satisfy my sexual appetite.

As my life was consumed within the gay community in Washington, DC, I ignored the great emptiness I saw all around me. I ignored the fact that the bars were filled mainly with men under 40 years old. It was only at the strip bars and adult bookstores that I saw the “older” crowd. I overlooked the fact that any long-term relationships I did encounter were not what I considered healthy. Although some level of love existed within them, I consistently detected an emptiness as well.

Through all of this, God was still in the picture. Somehow I knew that He was waiting for me to come back to Him. By 1986 my heart had begun to yearn for Him again.

Pro-Gay Theology. I went to a gay bookstore and bought a book which stated that the Scriptures approve of homosexual behavior. I wanted to be convinced that homosexuality was acceptable and that thousands of years of interpretation and tradition was due to ignorance.

Even with this strong desire to be convinced, I remember laughing at the way the Scriptures were reinterpreted. It took no great discernment to see that justification of immoral behavior was being sought, and not God’s greater purposes.

My spiritual hunger continued to grow but I became sidetracked. I began to investigate the “New Age” movement. I delved into astrology and into other areas. Then, as I was being drawn closer to the edge of darkness, God’s mighty right arm reached down from on high and rescued me.

During October 1986 in San Francisco, I met a man who had a very similar background to mine. Although at that time we thought we were born as homosexuals, both of us desired a deep relationship with God. In 1987, 1 rededicated my life to the Lord. This time I wanted Jesus to truly be Lord of my life, especially over my sexuality.

Not knowing what else to do, I found a church in the yellow pages of the local phone directory. After a Sunday visit, I scheduled an appointment with one of the pastors and shared my story. I am so thankful that, although he admitted that he did not know how to counsel me, he said he loved me and wanted me to be a part of his church. God had His hand on me.

I wanted to be drawn into the heart of that church and He placed me with the prayer warriors. Several couples surrounded me with love, even though I did not share my struggle with them because of my pride and fear of rejection. Then, during a time of intense struggle in January 1988, 1 finally broke down and shared my story with one of the couples. How blessed I was when this couple just loved me, prayed for me, and did not reject me.

Two days later I went to a Christian bookstore and shared about my struggle with the owner. I purchased some literature he had and finally realized that I had not been born gay. A tremendous sense of peace flooded me. It was about 2:30 in the morning, so the only person I could call was my friend in San Francisco, where it was only 11:30 PM! Two weeks later, I heard about Regeneration, a nearby ministry to men and women struggling with unwanted homosexuality, and I began attending their support group in northern Virginia, which had just begun three months earlier.

What a joy it was to find others who were like me, searching for a way to process and understand our homosexual feelings. How remarkable to find out that so many had gone beyond “white-knuckling” the struggle.

Through the teachings I received, I came to understand some of the roots of my gender insecurity. I came to see that my homosexual attractions were rooted in a legitimate need which I had eroticized. I bonded with men sexually to fill the need for affirmation of my masculinity. I had blocked the source of that affirmation during my childhood.

Who I Am in Christ. Although understanding root issues was necessary to my process, the foundational truth that made the real difference was knowing who I am in Christ. I had a hunger for the Scriptures like never before. As I pored over the book of Romans, the Holy Spirit revealed the truth that my old nature, the old man, was not only crucified, but was dead and buried. It was no longer I who lived, but Christ who lived in me (see Romans 6).

I began to see that I was a new creation (2 Cor. 5:17). Neither my temptations nor feelings ultimately defined who I was as a person. The occurrence of a homosexual attraction or feeling did not mean, “I am a homosexual.” I could experience temptation, but resist it and walk in freedom!

I also began to have a relationship with God as my “Abba,” a word of intimacy similar to “Daddy” in the original biblical language. He was the only source of meeting my needs.

For many years I was confused about my identity, and centered it on my sexuality. Now, as a Christian, I can clearly see the truth: My relationship with God is the foundation of my identity. In the security of knowing my Heavenly Father, I never have to be confused again.

Additional Information:
Copyright 1998 Regeneration–Northern Virginia PO Box 1034, Fairfax, VA 22030

Bob Ragan directs the Regeneration office in Fairfax, VA.

I was 14 and sat alone in my grandparents’ house with a Bible in my lap. Since my father was an Episcopal minister and I had been raised in a Christian home, I was familiar with many Bible stories. But that day I desperately needed to know what God had to say about homosexuality. After reading, it was clear from His Word that God considered homosexuality a sin (see Romans 1:26, Leviticus 18:22). This discovery made me more confused than ever.

Not long before, I’d had a dream that I was involved in homosexual behavior. I woke up scared and confused. After that, I recognized a growing desire to be physically close to my male peers. I didn’t know where these desires were coming from, but I knew that I didn’t want them. And I also knew I had to keep this part of me a secret. I prayed earnestly for God to take away the desires but unfortunately, they didn’t disappear. “Why isn’t He answering my prayers?” I questioned. I wondered if God really even cared.

High school only brought further confusion. Unsure of my identity, I sought out guys with whom I could be emotionally close, all the while wishing for a physical connection as well. One friend and I engaged in some sexual experimentation, and the experience satisfied some curiosity created by my fantasy life. I continued to pray about my struggles, but God still did not take away my same-sex desires.

As a senior, I finally gathered up enough nerve to reach out for help. I found the number for a teen counseling help line. After I nervously rattled off my story to the worker, she coldly replied, “The guy who deals with the gays will be in on Friday.”

I threw the phone down in frustration and climbed on my red Honda Elite scooter. Speeding through the side streets of Southeast Portland, I felt angry and hopeless; I even thought about killing myself by slamming into a parked car. But God stopped me from acting on that thought and calmed my heart.

By the fall of 1990, I had a “girlfriend” who went to my parents’ church. We started to date and I pretended to be interested in her, but the strain of my conflicted feelings was beginning to be apparent to those who knew me.

In a frightening conversation, I confided my homosexual struggle to her. Surprisingly, she had hopeful words for me. She tracked down the phone number of the Portland Fellowship (PF), a local Exodus ministry. I nervously made the phone call that would soon change my life.

Phil Hobizal, PF director, answered the phone. After listening to my struggles, he encouraged me that he could help. Change was possible, Phil told me, and we arranged to meet the following week. His words were the best news I had ever heard!

A few days later, while still riding on a wave of excitement, I approached my mom with the intimidating words, “There’s something I need to tell you. I struggle with homosexual tendencies–” She stopped me and said, “Wait, let me get your father. He needs to hear this, too.”

I tried to stop her, thinking I couldn’t talk to my dad about my secret. I had always felt distant from him. While I frequently shared my thoughts and feelings with my mom, I never felt like I had that freedom with Dad.

Nervously, I paced the house as she went outside and called him. I told them that I struggled with homosexual desires but that I didn’t want to be gay. I also told them about the hope I had gained from the Portland Fellowship.

I left their house feeling a freedom that I had never before experienced. The weight of the secret I had kept for years began to evaporate. Later I found out that my parents were up most of that night, talking, crying and praying.

The next morning I went to church; before the service, Dad took me outside. He told me that he had seen many people with serous problems during his years of ministry, but he hadn’t seen anyone deal with a problem so diligently. He told me that he had never been so proud of me as he was that day. Dad truly blessed me with his loving and supportive words.

My first year of involvement at PF was difficult. During their Tuesday night meetings, I learned about the roots of my homosexual desires, God’s plan of forgiveness, and the freedom from homosexual struggle. However, occasionally on weekends, I would drive my scooter downtown and check out what was available in the gay community, hoping someone or something could fill the still-gaping pit of emotional need.

Pornography had a strong pull in my life, which was a barrier to my ability to grow in what I was learning about God. It took a full year of participation with PF before I was able to realize that I could not have it both ways: I couldn’t follow God and continue to hold out hope of satisfying the homosexual urges within.

By this time, I was attending Bible College. I lived in the dorm and began to share my struggle with some of the guys. It was a terrifying risk and although not everyone knew quite how to handle this issue, I didn’t experience rejection. In fact, one of the first guys with whom I shared became one of my closest friends.

God had heard me and was answering my prayers. His desire was not just to take away all my problems, but to provide the Body of Christ to come alongside to support and encourage me. It was through being open and sharing my struggle with others that I began to have my real needs fulfilled.

I became a small group leader at PF and continued to walk in submission to God. Suddenly I could see the intense emotional needs for male friendship were driving my desires. But slowly, through positive male friendships, my homosexual desires began to fade away.

One of the greatest steps I made in the change process began one night with my dad. We set up a time where just he and I could go out to dinner and talk–straight from our hearts. For the first time, we shared with each other the most personal things in our lives. I felt a new connection to him, one that began to take away some doubt and uncertainty about our relationship.

In January 1994, I joined PF staff. I wanted the opportunity to tell people that change was possible and hopefully reach teenagers with the good news of freedom from a life dominated by sexual sin.

I continued to mature over the next few years, working in ministry and attending classes to complete my degree in Biblical studies. One day, while hanging out with some friends at the college coffee shop, I looked across the table and noticed a beautiful young woman. Her smile and friendly nature attracted my attention. With the encouragement of my friends, I got up the nerve to ask her out. Slowly she became my first real girlfriend.

Amy knew little about homosexuality, but because of her desire to know me better and learn what I did, she participated in the eight-month PF program.

Exactly a year after our first date, I took her to Multnomah Falls–a famous local spot where my dad had proposed to my mom. I dropped down on one knee and asked Amy to be my wife. She was so startled that I almost dropped her ring over the bridge near the falls! Thankfully, she said yes.

Our wedding on March 15, 1997, was a beautiful ceremony, with our friends and loved ones right by our sides and supporting us all the way. We entered marriage with an incredible honeymoon in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico, and have been enjoying marriage ever since.

Jesus Christ is truly a God of mercy and grace. Strangely enough, I am now very grateful to have experienced homosexual struggles. When I submitted them to God, I gave Him permission to mold and shape me into the man I am today. I am thankful He chose me to help reach out to hurting people, and I’m thankful He granted me the desires of my heart. In Him, there are no secrets. He truly is a mighty God!

by McKrae Game

I grew up in what seemed from the outside as a normal middle-class, Christian family.  I was the younger of two children, always in the shadow of my older sister who excelled at everything.  I, on the other hand, seemed to struggle with everything.

My mom and dad were good church-going people and took us to church every Sunday and Wednesday.  I have referred to us as having been “balcony Baptists,” as this was where we always sat in church. I was in church just about every time the doors were open, until I was about twelve.  Unfortunately, neither my parents nor anyone else at our church ever discussed with me what it was to know Jesus, or God.

My dad was a strong confident man whose interests were outside the home. My mom was primarily the leader and caretaker of us as children, who was constantly on my father to involve me in his life.  When he did try, he found that I did not share his interest in sports, and our relationship did not grow. Being complete opposites in how they were to raise me, they were in constant turmoil when my father was at home.  Since I feared confrontation, I usually stayed away from the house as much as possible.  When my parents would get in fights, my father would leave for days at a time. I felt abandoned and unwanted with no real direction towards being a boy or a young man.

I never quite fit in.  My parents asked me why I could not be more like my sister.  She read a great deal, excelled in school and sports, and was very popular. While I feared my mom and resented my sister, I knew more of them and feared girls less than boys, who were very elusive to me.  All I knew of men and boys was the lack of interest I had been shown and the rejection that followed by boys that I came in contact with.

Later, my parents switched me to a private school, where my sister had been moved a year prior.  Right away the boys there made it clear that I was not wanted. Because I wasn’t very sure of myself, they called me names like “queer” and “sissy” and gave me my new nickname “McGay.”   I was known as Maria’s little brother for the next seven years until I switched back into public school because of my parents’ finances and my failing grades.

From an early age I looked at other boys with envy. I had wondered if I was gay, since so many of the boys at school were saying I was, and I was always looking at them with such awe.

When I was fifteen, my parents got divorced. Going back and forth between the two extremes of both parents, I decided to move out when I was eighteen.

A year later, at nineteen (1988), I found out that a neighbor of mine was gay. I had never had an opportunity before this but had told myself that I would follow through if ever propositioned. He soon showed me all that the gay life had to offer. I had never been so confused.  My mind was telling me that this is what you have always wanted, and my body and soul were telling me that this was wrong.  He quickly introduced me to all the pornography I could handle, and took me to the local gay bar. When I walked into the room, all eyes were on me.  I was instantly addicted.  All the attention and acceptance I had ever wanted was there for the taking.

I soon was in one relationship after another.  While at times I was in relationships that seemed to be enjoyable and satisfying, they never seemed to last, while others left me feeling as if I were a prostitute.  I can remember telling a friend that “I have this huge void in my life that I cannot seem to fill.”  I wanted to be loved and accepted, but most of the time all I was getting was used.

Many times I had questioned in my mind if I could enter heaven as a gay man, or if I really wanted to live as a gay man the rest of my life.  My mortality and my future were heavy on my mind. I wasn’t sure that I wanted to grow old with another man, or even worse, alone, and to give up any hope of a family that I might have.

A friend of mine, Roy, and his wife Deneen, and I were in a business together. She was pregnant at the time.  It made me think of family.  One evening Deneen asked me if I would ever want to get married and have children.  I didn’t know how to answer.   I did not know at the time that her husband and she believed that I was gay but were praying for me and loving me in spite of this belief.

Soon after, we went to Tampa for a conference. Friday night was the night of the beginning of Desert Storm (U.S. & Coalition liberation of Kuwait / invaded by Iraq).  They had asked for any that wanted to come down and pray for our troops to do so then, that they were going to ask that the hand of God would go before them.  I was really overwhelmed by this occurrence, as God was working on me.  That Sunday there was a church service as a part of the conference.  People were standing telling of trials that they had been through and how God had always been there to bring them through.  I remember as we sang praise songs, I saw hope and peace in people’s eyes.  This was the hope and peace that I had searched so desperately for.  At the end of the church service, they asked for those that wanted to give their lives to Christ.  I was the first one down there; and on that day of February 24, 1991, I became born again in Christ.  I found that the void I had been trying to fill could only be filled by Christ.  I found what I was looking for, not in the arms of a gay man, but in the loving arms of Jesus Christ.

When I got back, I called my mom and dad up and asked them to come over. They were terrified; believing that I was going to tell them that I had AIDS. I sat them down and told them how I had asked Christ to come into my heart. We all cried together. Next, I wrote and told all of my friends in the lifestyle of my new relationship with Christ and that I could never go back to that way of life. I didn’t know how I would follow Christ out of homosexuality; I just knew that I would, no matter what the cost.

I heard of a local Exodus ministry having a conference, which I attended, and I later got involved in their support group that they offered. I was reading my Bible, going to church, and reading every book on homosexuality that I could get my hands on.  I knew that I was not born a homosexual.  In Genesis, chapter one, the Bible tells us that God created man, male and female, and that He created us in His own image.  So if I wasn’t born this way, then I learned it, and I could learn my way out of it. I believed God could heal me from my past.

I had learned to develop healthy relationships with other men.  I realized that this is what I had needed and desired all along. Through developing a relationship with Christ and with a few godly men, I was able to fill many of my needs.

God did a great work in my life, but God also did a great work in my family’s life.  Having been Christians for years, they have matured in their faith greatly. They are truly some of the best people in my life and a large part of who I have become today.

Five long and difficult years after leaving the lifestyle, I met Julie at the church I was attending and continue attending today.  She was beautiful, and I couldn’t understand why she was interested in me, but luckily for me she was.  We dated and were engaged for about one year, and on January 27, 1996, we were married. We now have two children, a strong young boy and a beautiful baby girl.  In the five years leading up to this point, and as part of our marriage, God was doing a work in my life.  It was not easy, but it was all worth where I am today– a whole man of God.

In February of 1999, I formed Truth Ministry.  I had felt God’s call on my life early on in my relationship with Christ. I would have never dreamed that the Lord would have brought me so far, and to this point today.

I remember back when I was living alone, struggling with the thoughts and addictions in my homosexuality and gay identity and what that might have meant for my future.  I desired so much to have someone to talk to that could steer me in the right direction.  It is for this reason that God has brought me to where I am today.