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My Identity: His Daughter by Meleah Allard

Shortly after September 11^th, 2001 I found myself at a crossroads. It had been almost 10 years since I left my lesbian relationship of 8 years, after having embraced a gay identity for over a decade. Leaving my girlfriend and my way of life was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. Resurrendering to Jesus was one of the easiest. His love overwhelmed me, drew me, in a way nothing else ever had. So almost 10 years later, I was now married and raising a family. Yet my marriage was on the rocks, and I had a mediocre Christian life: proof that marriage and family doesn’t fix everything. Even surrendering to Christ doesn’t resolve every problem and heal every hurt, wound, or situation. I knew in my soul after those towers came crashing down and my heart came crashing down with them, that there had to be more. All of sudden the immediacy of life had slammed me against a wall. I knew that I was Made for More than what I was living.

I began to pray, asking God for help. He led me to a book, The Purpose Driven Life. I began to learn that there was more to this Christian life than I had been experiencing. Over the next several years God began to teach me. He cleared up many wrong perceptions I had developed about him. He showed me the joy that comes from using my gifts for his kingdom.  Unfortunately, I did what my perfectionistic, worker bee personality always did. I became a workaholic for God and was more focused on serving him than knowing him. While my new focus was much more rewarding and the mediocre of my Christian life fading, I was quickly reaching exhaustion and burn out.

All that began to change in 2005 after my first Exodus conference where I experienced the most amazing worship. It truly was relationship altering. It completely changed how I related to my God and set me free in such a surprising way. I grew up in a very conservative Christian environment in the 70’s with beautiful hymns, but honestly the worship part of church services was just tradition. At the Exodus conference, I learned what it means to commune with God through music. I felt his presence in a way I never had before.

I also experienced a rich diversity of teachings through the workshops and keynote speakers. I was 40 years old, and had never attended a church or heard a message from any other denominational persuasion than my own. It had left me quite one-dimensional and pretty judgmental. God enabled me to open myself up to being taught from other believers with differing views and perspectives. I believe this has been one the richest parts of my experience with Exodus and its ministries. Today I don’t really use any denominational label. Even though I am the proud daughter of a Southern Baptist preacher, I consider myself a Believer and follower of Jesus.

Through all of these things my Heavenly Father has revealed more and more of himself to me. He’s securing my identity in nothing but him. I don’t derive my sense of self from being a wife, mom, ministry director, or counselor.  My sexuality doesn’t define me either. These are simply roles I fill by his power and strength. My identity is as his daughter. Today, I have a rewarding marriage and ministry. I’m moving into the empty nest phase of life and excited to see what God has on this new leg of my journey. Whatever it is, I am founded in his love. His grace means everything to me and has freed me in a way I could have never expected. I know how much he loves me today. I know that I am accepted by him. I don’t have to work so hard anymore. I often hear people say that grace is not a license to sin. I find that statement odd. I find his grace more and more to be a license to love: to love him, others and myself and that is what I was made for…to love and be loved by him. I certainly thank him, and I’m grateful to Exodus and its ministries for being a channel he could use. It is my deepest desire to be that kind of channel.

As we approach the 37th annual Freedom Conference, I am filled with great expectancy of what God is going to do in and through each one of us. Year after year, in our weakness and humility, Jesus shows up mightily in both our personal and corporate time. Who among us doesn’t leave changed?

Our theme this year is Made for More.  I think most people would admit that at some point in time in their lives they have wondered if there is anything more to the life they are experiencing.  For many, something seems to be missing.  Often there is a deep void in our hearts that goes unfilled and unsatisfied.

During the early days of trying to figure out my struggle with SSA I remember thinking that what I truly needed was the love and affirmation of a man to fill that need.  I was consumed by a need to heal the ache inside because the ache was all I paid attention to. The focus and direction of my desires was also in direct conflict with my biblical beliefs.  But what I perceived as my deepest and most overwhelming need suppressed those feelings of conflict and I chose to act on my SSA.

I know of others who have experienced that same level of intense desire for a member of the opposite sex.  Regardless of how we choose to meet our own needs through our overwhelming sexual desires, the fact remains that such efforts will fail to satisfy at the deepest core.  I believe that Proverbs 13:12 (NAS) speaks perfectly to this:

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but desire fulfilled is a tree of life.

Any way that we seek to meet our own needs instantly rather than allowing God to meet them (or to help us survive when needs go unmet) is deferring hope.  I truly believe that seeking to meet my needs sexually, or in other ungodly ways, served as a counterfeit and made my heart sick.

When individuals come to Exodus for help they are looking to resolve the conflict they feel between their faith and the directions of their attractions and desires.  I understand, as that was my initial motivation for pursuing help, too.  But attempting to change the direction of your sexual attractions is not the solution.  While God absolutely gave me a new and complete desire for a woman, that was after many years of pursuing Christ as I lived out the truth of Matthew 16:24, denying myself and following Him.

To be more specific, in the story of the Exodus, the Lord delivered the children of Israel from slavery, but they quickly forgot His goodness and mercy and began to worship idols.  First let me clarify, most of us don’t literally bow down to statues anymore, but we do have a tendency to look to created things, ideals or persons to provide for us what only the creator can.  Even good things can become idols if we place our focus and trust in them over Christ.

One such idol is the “idol” of romantic/sexual love. Pursuing Christ, the only one who can truly give us the core satisfaction, meaning, identity and purpose we are desperately looking for, must take precedence.  He is the only one who can fill the insatiable thirst in our lives, which actually may not ever be completely satisfied here on planet earth.  He is the only one who can define us and the only one who brings that sense of validation we so need.  So, when we talk about being Made for More, that is the MORE we speak of.

Exodus International doesn’t exist to give you false hope or a false security in something earthly.  Doing so, even with something that we might see as good, like marriage, would be deferring hope and usurping God’s role in your life.  We aren’t here to encourage you to bow down to the idol of attraction change, though you might experience that.  We are here to point to the fact that there is a God who gave up everything to reconcile us to Him.  We are here to help those who have surrendered their hearts to Christ and who are struggling with temptation and sin to find refuge, community and a path of restoration as they seek to surrender their sexuality to the Lordship of Jesus Christ who is able to do more than we could ever ask or imagine.

Whether it is through the corporate gathering of a conference, the weekly support from one of the two-hundred plus member organizations under the Exodus banner or as you read a book or story from the many that we provide, our goal is to simply encourage you to look beyond your present reality and seek the Lord for His answer.  The Creator of the Universe designed you, knows you best and has a plan.  If we can help you as you seek Him please let us know.

You can register today, or get more information, by clicking here.

What happens to us informs who we are (although, we often allow circumstances to dictate who we are). I can’t tell you that life events—painful or joyful—won’t impact your identity, because they do. Sexual abuse, peer alienation, a distant father, spending a summer in amazing Utah, and receiving several accolades for vocal performance have all informed who I am today. I’d look a bit different if none of these occurrences had happened. I’d relate to and sympathize with others differently, and my perception of the world would vary slightly. But, though my life experience has informed who I am, it does not dictate my identity.

I stayed away from deep connection for several years. Sometimes I wondered how I had any friendships at all. I didn’t trust people and I thought I was equivalent to waste—only meant for a garbage heap. I called myself worthless, so why would I pursue relationship I didn’t deserve? I called myself effeminate, so why would I even attempt to try “manly” things? I called myself insecure, so why would I take risk at all? These were all names I called myself based on a build up of embedded negative data in my brain from all the painful experiences that hurt me. The synapses grew stronger and stronger, and I gave in to believing nothing could change. I called myself unchangeable and continued on with the same old broken experiences, constantly molding my brain into its same old defeated self.

One day I realized my “brain talk” wasn’t doing much of anything for me except keeping me on the outside of life, looking in. Something had to change. Then, I heard God tell me who I was. I was His, a saint, beloved, a member of the royal priesthood. I wasn’t a particle in the garbage heap; I was an adopted prince of the Most High King! The Gardener took my brain into surgery and began pruning away at the thick and dense synapses of those negative experiences that commanded my life for so many years. I learned I could be an active agent in changing the way I thought through Christ’s power. The “doings” of my life—all the failed attempts at victory, all the embarrassing things I did, the shame I carried around—they weren’t my identity. I did those things because, in my mind, who I was had been decreed for so long by others and the pain of my childhood.

Now my Creator tells me who I am, and that informs what I do. Over the past several years I’ve been active in molding my brain and its “talk” to me. I experienced sports with other guys; I delved into relationship (frightened at first) with no holds barred; I allowed people in to know the real me. I did “manly” things I thought were impossible because I was effeminate. Those positive experiences, some scary no doubt, changed the synapses. The grace of Christ and His steadfast love for me changed my thinking. He didn’t give up and hasn’t given up on pruning those false identities that caked mud over my true, beautiful, strong, and masculine self.

Are you allowing the muck of your past, the hurt from others, and the painful experiences of years ago to dictate your identity? Are the synapses in your brain the impenetrable false identities you’ve projected upon yourself because of the mire this world has thrown at you? Find joy in knowing that it doesn’t have to stay that way. Our brains are capable of changing through our lives. Through our experiences and God’s transformational love our brains are rewired—renewed.

Does your brain need a rewiring today? Pursue experiences you’ve shunned out of fear and negative self-talk. The only way to freedom is by relinquishing control. Take risk and free your mind to be pliable. You can change the way you think. Embrace the true identity Christ has given you through His sacrifice. If you are His, yet living under old and damaging identities, you are in bondage and limiting the power of Christ through you. You are not your past, and you are not your shame. You aren’t the names that other imperfect people have given you. Allow the One who made you, knows everything about you, and who loves you unconditionally, name you. As Romans 12:2 states, “…let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.”

There are still some synapses in my brain that need pruning. I’ve had 22 years of data dictating my life versus four years of allowing God to name my life. The negative residue may always be there. We just have to remember when those old synapses start firing out those false identities, all we have to do is say, “Brain, don’t talk like that! This is who you are: beloved, the righteousness of Christ, free, a saint, a member of the royal priesthood, forgiven, and cleared of all charges!”

“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” Philippians 4:8

I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore  have hope: Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.” Lamentations 3:19-24

The poems of Lamentations were written at a time when the Jews had witnessed massive destruction of Jerusalem and their lives. Nebuchadnezzar, the Chaldean king, captured Jerusalem and ordered it to be demolished. Mixed with grief and sadness over the devastation, the Jews felt utterly rejected by God. The author of Lamentations, presumed to be Jeremiah, lamented of all the strife and pain his people had experienced up to this point in the book. Affliction gave way to hope as Jeremiah remembered the boundless mercy and compassion of God. Hope was ignited in the revelation that God was his portion—nothing else. Because of God’s great love, he had hope.

Hope is unwavering when placed in the right person.

We all can relate to the plight of the Jews. The Old Testament is filled with stories of God’s people running to different things to solve their problems and duplicating what other tribes or groups of people did because it seemed better. But God did not give up His pursuit of them. Yes, they had many lessons to learn through their disobedience and distraction. But God’s constant, unwavering love always broke through the ups and downs of their human emotion.

The Jews stood on a shaky foundation that moved with the swirl of human emotion like a roller coaster. So when hardship came up, their faith failed. They didn’t cling to God, but fled—rejected. How often do we run when adversity hits—lamenting not at our own human frailty, but at God’s supposed repudiation of us? We play victim while victimizing our constant, unchanging, and relentless God. He is who He says He is, and nothing else.

There is hope in only one thing. When we are hurt or rejected by someone at school, or a friend, there is hope in only one person. When we have had great triumph over temptation and desires and all of a sudden a season of intense struggle to act out comes along, there is hope in only one person. When your friends say you should just give up and give in because you’ll be happier that way, there is only one hope and source of true joy. When you feel defeated, going through the same old cycle of pain, shame, and guilt, there is only hope in the one who gives you a new name.

Until we acknowledge, live, and breathe that God is sufficient for us, our thoughts will wander—clinging to false hopes and human solutions. I know from experience we can’t trust our emotions or sexual feelings. They can’t be the foundation we stand on, for they will surely fall or blow away. The word ‘portion’ in the context of Lamentations 3:26 means possession. The writer’s hope comes from knowing that he possesses God and God possesses him. Even in his pain and living in the midst of great affliction, he knows that despite his predicament or how he feels, God is good and never forsakes His people.

If you are in a place of lamenting, know that hope is resolute if placed in the right hands. God is sufficient for all the troubles we may face. Our only rest, joy, peace, comfort, and hope comes from He who proves faithful every time. No more foundations on the frailty of human solutions. Don’t white knuckle it anymore in times of struggle until you finally give in to the solutions of this world. Wait on Him; for the God of the universe is yours and you are His.

Because of the cross we hear God say, “I loved you when you were my enemy.”

It’s so hard to grasp the magnitude of God’s love for us. In many ways it doesn’t make sense. We try so often to bring everything down to an earthly level so we can understand and grasp ideas or beliefs. But God’s power and love is so transcendent of our current reality that the heavy dosage of love He pours out for us can be hard to swallow.

But if ever we needed actual proof of the love He so constantly professes, we find it in the cross. I love Tyson’s statement. We were enemies of God—separated, cut off, and rebellious. However, knowing His own creation, He knew we couldn’t cross enemy lines and surrender completely without a sacrifice. Out of God’s infinite love for us, even while were still sinners, Christ—God in the flesh—died the most horrifying death on our behalf.

The cross is not only a proclamation of love. It’s also a definition of value and worth. Christ died not only to save us, but because He wanted us for himself. He wanted us to be restored to right relationship with God. He wants us.

Do you ever struggle with feeling wanted? Wondering if someone really cares? Just remember the cross and what it means for you. It’s a violent showcase of God’s desire and love for you in spite of your sin. Though God’s love is so transcendent, He brought it to our level of human understanding with the very real sacrifice of His son on a criminal’s cross.

That is worth boasting about! If ever in doubt of feeling loved or wanted, always look to the cross. What happened there is THE most loving thing ever to be done on your behalf. Boast in the cross, boast in the merciful hand of God, and boast in the fact that if you claim Him as Savior you have new life. All of this done because you are LOVED.

You can register today, or get more information, by clicking here.

Focusing on the true meaning of the cross and why we should boast in it, Tyson exhorts us to live out of the reality of the cross through the way we view ourselves, each other, the world around us, and even the mission field for the Kingdom. The cross not only eliminates our shame but is a testament to God’s affirmation the He chose us! It’s a 20 minute video, but definitely worth watching. Check it out here.

This is a principle that applies to all areas of life.  Whether you are trying to have a successful marriage, lose weight, excel in your work or even trying to find victory in the midst of ongoing same-sex attractions, we need help.

“I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. – John 15:5

BUT, we do not like to acknowledge that we need help. Sounds like pride, doesn’t it?  Weakness is not something that is valued.  We don’t want to be perceived as weak or needy.  But, we then place ourselves in a situation where we don’t get the help and support we really DO need. As a result we also don’t allow people in our lives the opportunity to bless, support and love us.  How many times have you heard about someone who was really hurting, but refused to call because they didn’t want to bother you?  Doesn’t that upset you?  As if we are too self-absorbed to reach out and care for someone other than ourselves.

So, in this season be released from a pressure to go it alone—to “white knuckle” it in isolation.  Ask for help and, most importantly pursue God.  We were made for communion and fellowship with Him.  And yes, for dependency.  Self-sufficiency will not get you where you want to be.  Trust, depend and rely on the Lord.  He can handle the weight of your situation or challenge.  Let His strength sustain you.